I went to my very first middle school Principal's Advisory Board meeting. PAB, for short. I was crazy nervous going in but I was also very eager to meet some of my new colleagues.
We were all called to the meeting to talk about scheduling, the forming of the school culture, and to decide on whether or not to have a PREP day.
And that's when I got lost.
Prep day? What is a prep day? I quickly tried to think back to my MS days to see if I could remember my own "prep day". What do the kids do on prep day? What do teachers do? And more importantly, what does the librarian do and how can the librarian help during prep day?
I'm sure I showed a slight state of confusion because my principal interrupted herself to say, "I'm gettin' some faces. Does everyone know what prep day is?"
And I faked it.
I nodded in agreement with everyone else like I knew exactly what a prep day was. I know it was silly of me. What harm would it have been to admit I didn't know what a prep day is? But, as silly as it sounds, I just didn't want to admit it. I just didn't want to raise my hand and have to admit, "I'm sorry. I'm coming from the elementary level and have no clue as to what you're talking about even though I'll be soon working in the middle school."
So I faked it.
Even though I quickly figured it out and didn't have to admit my lack of middle school knowledge, what was up with that?! Why did I feel the need to fake it? Clearly my principal was comfortable helping me out of my confusion. Why didn't I just accept the help?
Because that's who I am. And that's one of my biggest weaknesses. Rather than to look like or admit that I'm not following along with the simplest of conversations I fake it and quickly try to figure it out on my own. Is that fear or pride? If it's fear I need to let that fear of not knowing go! The fear of making a mistake needs to not get me like that! My dad has always said, "It's ok to not know, mija, because you csn always figure it out." My dad is awesome like that, always giving me words of encouragement but c'mon that is totally not great advice.
It's true, it's ok to not know but I can't just rely on figuring it out. It's ok not to know but it's also ok to admit I don't know.