Joining the Slice of Life writing challenge is a way to push myself, force myself, to do what I love to do so much but have felt too paralyzed to do.
When my husband and I started having fertility issues I decided to start a journal. Not only to document my fertility temps, meds, and doctor's appointments I also wanted, no needed, a way to release my frustrations and anger building up.
The months I was pregnant with my daughter, Mia, I wrote more than ever before. Below is what I wrote the day my heart was delivered it's first devastating blow and first began to crack to only forever be broken just a few months later...
i could say that this is the worst day of my life but i'm trying to hold on to some kind of hope and optimism. though the doctor's words weren't very encouraging and from the internet reading i've been doing, my optimism seems to be dyeing a little bit with every second that goes by.
today was the day we were to have our sonogram. we were told to bring a VHS tape to record the happy event. abel and i were excited. i could hardly wait for the day to be over. i was counting down the minutes. i was able to leave a little early from work to make it to the doc's office on time. when we got there abel and i kept asking each other if we were both positive we didn't want to know the sex of the baby. we were clearly excited.
the happy event turned sad then heartbreaking in a matter of minutes. the sono started off fine. we quickly saw the baby's face and a leg kicking forward. abel and i laughed. then the doctor stayed quiet for a long time. i didn't think much of it. i just figured he was the serious type. he kept pushing down strong on my belly and whispering "come on, baby."
i knew something was wrong at that very moment. i turned away from the tv screen to look at the doctor's face. i could see his expression. it was intent on the screen. his expression showed concern and concentration and i knew i had to ask what was wrong but i didn't want to hear it so i kept quiet. i turned back to the screen and saw something pumping. i asked, "is that the heartbeat?" i figured if he could tell me that was the heart and it was pumping fine then everything would be fine. what else could go wrong, right?
he confirmed it was the heart. i was relieved for a second of a second. but then he added, "i have to tell you there is a problem. let me try to see this in several different angles to make sure but i do see a problem."
i immediately started to tear up. i haven't stopped crying since. i tried logging on to do some homework to distract myself a bit but it's just impossible. i have been online researching through eyes filled with tears, a heart filled with fear, and a head fogged in confusion.
after a while he cleaned my belly and asked me sit up for the explanation. it was a lot to take in but i will never forget what he said,
"the baby's position is sitting down. her head is up by your abdomen and her butt is down. her left arm is at my back and her right side is up front. the baby's heart is on the right side of her abdomen. As you know hearts are to be at the left side. it looks as though something has pushed her little heart over to the right. i can't tell right now what it is that pushed it. it could be her stomach/intestine or a tumor. it doesn't matter what it is. the problem is that whatever it is the baby's heart is pushed over and something is in the way keeping the lungs to develop properly."
my heart skipped a beat and stopped. i felt faint and nauseous and the tears just came freely and harder. the nurse brought me some water and abel let go of my hand and held me close.
the doctor went on and on and i really don't remember anything else after that. all i know is that he did suggest we wait a week. i'm scheduled to come back next week for another sono to see if there has been any change. apparently whatever it is can move out of the way leaving the heart to move back to place. they will do an amneo and some other tests and hopefully we'll know more and then we will go from there.
my mind has been racing a mile a minute. i don't know what to think. i try not to think negatively but the doctors themselves didn't give us much hope. he mentioned "terminating the pregnancy" and i quickly refused. he tried explaining the outcomes of going through with the pregnancy giving us only a 20% chance of survival but i just kept crying and couldn't respond anything.
i'm so scared. i don't want to bring my baby into the world if they tell me the baby will suffer even for a second but i also don't want to hurt it in utero either. i'm scared of abortion. i can't stop thinking of it as killing my baby. i don't want to hurt my baby. i don't want her to suffer or to be the cause of her suffering in any way.
i'm scared. i'm confused. i'm hurting and i feel weak. i know i have to and that ultimately i will but i can't help thinking of just going to sleep forever. i don't want to think of losing my baby and i know i will forever think of it if it does happen. i don't know how i will be able to survive or manage through this next week. i haven't been able to stop crying. i wipe my eyes to see and new tears just come up again. i try to think about work or school or something else but my mind always goes back to my baby and the grim future i have been foretold.
this pain is incredible.
i want it to stop.
please, God, help me survive
but most of all help my baby...